Pak Cricket team now assured of its safety in India as Hafiz Saeed issues No-Objection certificate

The Pakistan cricket team which a week back was planning to pull off from the world T-20 tournament due to threat from terrorist organizations, is finally assured of its safety after it got a No-objection certificate from Lashkar-e-Taiba chief Hafiz Saeed. Hafiz has not just given a no objection certificate but has also assured his khatirdari to the travelling Pak team.

 “When it comes to terrorist, there is just one name you can trust i.e. Hafiz bhai. Aek baar bhai ne bol diya safe, then you are safe. In fact heard he is so awesome, that for our safety he has not just secured stadiums, but also our travel to India.” Said a young Pakistani fast bowler, he continued, “ You know, he is so much concerned for our safety that he has even scrapped air travel for us and instead we would be travelling through a newly made underground tunnel which starts from Islamabad to Pathankot via Waghah border. In fact he has invited our team for its ribbon cutting ceremony.”

“I have always been a villain to Indians. The bad guy who is responsible for anything bad happening in their country. But after seeing the sloganeering in JNU and the media hooliganism for every small nation building action, I have had a change of heart. Enough, I will let India be, and now even try to improve my image in India and globally.” Said hafiz bhai, while cleaning up the barrel of his gun.

Hafiz Saeed has not just assured Pakistani players of their safety, but has even tweeted that he and his men would personally be monitoring the security arrangement of these stadiums, not just before the match but even while the game is being played.

“This is a ridiculous claim made by Hafiz Saeed, as he cannot enter the Indian border to monitor the security of these stadiums. After all he is India’s most wanted.” Said an angry Rajnath Singh, “And Just in case he is seen even in 10 kilometer radius of these stadium we will apprehend him and put him behind the bars.”

Reacting to Rajnath’s response to his tweet, Hafiz Saeed said, “Did I say anything about going to India. I just said I would be monitoring the security. And for monitoring, I don’t need to travel when I have your media circus at my service. I’ll monitor the matches like how I monitor terror attacks on India sitting here.” He said this and then looked at his men who then all laughed together in unison.

As Donald Trump up’s the ante against Muslims, Yogi Adityanath admits that he is facing tremendous Performance Pressure

Right Wing extremist leaders across India, such as Yogi Adityanath and Raj Thackrey admit that since the day US presidential candidate Donald Trump has started his election campaign, they are facing tremendous amount of pressure from their supporters to increase extremism and make it their core party agenda. These leaders even go on to admit that they are finding it very hard to live up to the new expectations set up by their supporters.

“This guy is crazy. Till now I was randomly asking Muslims to go to Pakistan, Afghanistan or calling some of them villain etc. But here is a man, who is saying that he won’t allow Muslims to enter America once he becomes President, WOW!” Said Yogi Aditynath, the five time Gorakhpur MP, while shaking his head in disbelief, “Here in India when I say that someone’s soul belongs to Pakistan, I lose support of my own party members and public. And this Trump guy is gaining more and more support as he is increasing anti-Muslim rhetoric. How is this possible? He is too good. “Admitted Swamiji.

It’s not just the eastern part of the country but the western part of India too is rattled by Trump’s speeches. Raj Thackrey, who till now was believed to be the king of this space is now hiding his head in shame. He just can’t show his face to the extremist lobby of friends who now look up to Donald Trump when it comes to increasing right wing extremism. In fact Raj says that after listening to some of Trump’s speeches he has started feeling like a leftist-secular leader off late.

“Inspired by Donald Trump’s Wall along the Mexican border idea, I thought of coming up with a wall along the Maharashtra border for stopping north Indians from entering the state. I was at the press conference and was about to announce it, but then at the last minute, I could not pull it off. Even I started feeling that it’s too much. And instead of that, in hush-hush I did the north Indian auto burning fiasco. Yep, I admit, I am no more the guy folks. This guy is the new king of this space.”

“ Humare ladke logo ka to dimag kharab kar diya hai is Trump ne. Yesterday only they were asking me to give the statement of barring Muslims from entering India. Arey asking Hindus to reproduce five kids is fine, but this is too much even from my standards.” Said a dejected Sakshi Maharaj.

News has also come in that let down by their leaders and impressed by the Donald Trump’s antics and aggression, several extreme right wing fringe elements are joining hands together to float a party by name ‘Donald Trump Kranti Sena’.  Aping the agenda of Donald Trump campaign, they are proposing not just a ban on Muslims but also a ban on Christians from entering India for the time being.

DoT accidently ban Times of India along with 857 Porn sites.

In its crackdown on websites that host or provide links to pornographic content, the Indian government has failed to separate the wheat from the chaff. Among the 857 blocked websites, India’s largest Entertainment website, the Times of India’s name is also there, which doesn’t even offer pornographic material.

“I really don’t get how the Govt can dub us as pornographic website when we offer pure entertainment to our audience.” Said Rajdeep Dutt a senior Editor at the TOI, he added “I mean just check our links like ‘Hottest bikini Trend’, ‘celebs who went nude for magazine cover’, ‘Five things women want before sex’, these are entertainment items sold as news and not nudity sold as entertainment. Who will explain all this high class stuff to these classless swadeshi jingoist?”

The news had a very strong and detrimental impact on the psyche of the single community at large. Rohit Mishra a third year B.Tech student of who was yet to recover from the ban on Maggi went numb when he heard the news of 857 porn sites getting blocked. While he somehow managed to recover from the shock, the news of even the Times of India getting blocked sent him to a state of coma.

“The advent of online porn had made our hard disk redundant so we stopped storing porn on our systems altogether. But this sudden ban on porn sites along with the Times of India has left us unprepared for the worst. We want a recall on the ban for at least a month, so that we can download and store porn, thus build our inventory till the time we get married.” Said a Rahul Baba, president of the Single Samaj Party (SSP) while he was buying a removable hard disk for 128 Tera byte for storing porn.

In other related news, it’s not just the news sites that have been affected by the ban, but even the news makers might get affected by it. DoT has said that the next crack down could be on Television channels who show nudity in the name of news and entertainment. This might mean that even LOk Sabha and Rajya Sabha TV might get banned, for showing MPs watching porn on their mobiles during assembly sessions.

MCD workers in Delhi find copy of Jan Lokpal Bill while cleaning up Garbage Piles.

MCD workers who have ended their strike and agreed to clean up the garbage piles from the streets of Delhi have found some key documents in the same garbage pile which includes original copy of the Jan Lokpal bill drafted by Anna Hazare. They have also found several copies of election Manifestos of major political parties for state and central elections which were getting eaten by rats and pigs.

“When we saw the Anna’s hand written copy of the Lokapal Bill, we were shocked. We took the copy to BJP and AAP members, who were then busy getting selfies clicked with the tallest garbage lump.” Said a sweeper there as he wiped sweat from his forehead, “As soon as they saw the copy they began laughing in unison and then tore apart the copy and threw it back in the garbage pile.”

It’s not just the original lokpal bill which has been found in the pile, below mentioned documents were also there which were thrown back into the pile after showing it to the concerned department:

• ·         Presumed burnt Files of Salman Hit and Run case
• ·         Missing Coal Scam files
• ·         An election speech promising 15 lakh to every citizen from black money recovered
• ·         Draft copy of Uniform Civil code
• ·         A carton full of ‘ Election that changed India’ by Rajdeep Sardesai which also had 2 empty bottles of old Monk

Sources have told that after finding these documents the site has been taken over by Police and is busy cleaning the debris of these important document and simultaneously destroying them.

It’s not just documents that have been found in the garbage, two statues of former Delhi law ministers, Jitendar Singh Tomar and Somnath Bharti have also been found in the debris. While one was thrown back into debris, the other was carried back to the AAP office and has been kept in their ‘What to do’ chamber.

Finally the MCD worker also found a half charred BJP letterhead which had a hand drawn image of L.K.Advani with title ‘The Perennial Chairperson of the Marg Darshak Mandali’.

Salman Khan set free in hit and Run case after Gujjar like reservation agitation by angry fans.

Following the precedence set by the Rajasthan government in Gujjar agitation case, Maharashtra high court has agreed to set Salman Khan free in 2002 hit and run case. This happened after Salman’s fan took law in their hand and choked railway tracks across the nation with demand of setting bhai free of all charges in the case.

To this one of the high court judge said “The supporters of ‘bhai’ are not just bhai-like Dabangg but are much more in number than the Gujjars involved in the reservation agitation. This clearly meant that there would be much more damage to property. Thus for the larger good of the nation we should set bhai free.”

Twitter Vigilantes termed the judgment as undemocratic and unconstitutional, to which one of the High court judge commented “Bhai would have any which way got free yaar. If not in the court, then by some creative bill passed by the government. I don’t understand the fuss”

Meanwhile there is huge queue at various railway tracks of protestors who want speedy-justice/ exam reservation/ Bapuji’s release/Gauhar and Kushal patch up and even free water and electricity. In fact there are threats of protest against governments’ ability to manage these protest as the protestors want a protest committee to be set up in this regard to come up with fair protesting procedures.

In an initial step to counter the damage these agitations have caused, the government might consider Twitter and Facebook hashtag agitation as a legitimate protest method, equivalent to blocking railway tracks and vehicle arson. However the government retracted from its decision after arnab’s #MobstitutevsPresstitute and #VVIPRacism was a trending at the top.

Meanwhile news of panic among protestors has come in after rumors came that Salman was spotted with a bottle of wine, riding a railway engine whose doors were not opening properly.

Nation Stunned as Custom seizes 5000 KG of smuggled Maggi at Delhi Airport.

In a major blow to Modi the Swadesi roots of the nation, the custom officials at Delhi airport seized a large shipment of Maggi noodles at Delhi airport. The packets of Maggi were hidden under cartons of harmless products like Cigarettes, Cigars, Whisky and Rum and were planned to be surreptitiously supplied to various engineering colleges of India including IITs and NITs.

“This is just the beginning sirji. Previously we used to smuggle pirated CDs, fake currencies, and AK 47 from Pakistan, but now the demand has changed to maggi. This ban on maggi will give birth to a new era of smuggling as several Dawood, Verrappan and haji Mastans would get developed to smuggle this yummy poison.” Said an out of job smuggler who was wearing red colored eye patch which was in the shape of the maggi logo.

It is to be noted that since the day Maggi has been banned in several parts of the nation, a packet of Maggi has become a prized possession and is secretly sold in black markets at a value as high as two thousand rupees. Several raids have been conducted at various paan/tobacco shops who instead of selling bidi, ghutka, weed and hash are secretly indulging in the highly criminal practice of selling Maggi.

Raids have even also been conducted at street food shops in front of offices who in the name of selling highly hygienic road side pani-poori, chole kulche and Kauva Biryani are secretly selling smuggled maggi.

There are rumors that a secret variety of ‘Blue-maggi’ has been developed by a new noodle lord by name ‘Walter-White’ aka “Heisenberg’ which is beating all forms of street food available in the market. This form of maggi is so irresistible and harmful that government has declared possession of this form of maggi not just a non-bail able offence but also a non-bribable offence.

While the government has banned maggi in all forms, few right wing activist are working hard to allow maggi as fodder for cows and buffalos. These supporters believe that while cows can sustain the amount of lead in maggi but the beef made by killing these cows would possess lead higher than permissible limit. This way there could be a nationwide ban of beef, and their dream of beef-mukt bharat could be realized.

After Underworld, SRK threatens Ness Wadia. Warns him of forcibly showing Ra.One and Don2.

After underworld Don Ravi Pujari threatened Ness Wadia, Bollywood actor and Priety Zinta’s close friend Shah Rukh Khan threatened Ness Wadia of forcibly showing his movies Ra-One and Don2 to him, if he doesn’t behaves with Priety. SRK warned Ness by forcefully showing him the trailers of the two movies while Ness was least prepared to resist the assault.

It happened on a busy Monday morning when Ness was heading towards office in his Mercedes. He was flipping through some PowerPoint slides on his laptop, when suddenly he lost control of the system. His Mouse pointer began moving on its own and few command prompt windows opened up. Ness thought that it was a hacking attempt when suddenly the laptop played the famous laughter of SRK and a minute long stammer of him before speaking the name KKKKKiran.

Even before he could close down the laptop’s flap, the seat belts of his car automatically wrapped around his hands and he was not able to move. It was then when the trailer of Ra-One and Don2 played on his laptop. The trailer was followed by a Navaratn cool talc advertisement and a warning in bold letters stating “Do not Mess with her Ness or else next time it would be the full movie”.

People close to Ness are suggesting that it could involve an insider; police is suspecting Wadia’s Chauffer to be involved in the conspiracy.

“ I shapath sir, I don’t know anything. I was driving when suddenly I heard sir shouting out loud, ‘Nooo – Nooo’ . I thought maybe sir was watching some old clippings of the News hour on Youtube, but then I heard SRK’s stammer and the beats of Chammak Challo. At first I thought I should help him, but then I was shit scared. I quickly parked the car, closed my ears and ran away from it as far as possible.”

The news has resulted in striking fear amongst his near and dear ones. Case witnesses, his lawyer, his friends, colleagues and their family members, his friend's friends, friend’s servants and even their pets have come under terrible fear and stress. Most of them have got rid of their television, laptop, tablet and even mobile phone just to ensure that they are not ambushed into watching the full movie.

Meanwhile other Bollywood stars have teamed up against Ness and they too have gone all aggressive against him. While singer HImesh Reshamiya has threatened to release an ‘All nasal no instrument’ album, director Ram Gopal Verma has threatened to make a movie on the rise of Wadia group. However the biggest threat has come from director Sajid Khan who plans to re-release his pain inflicting flick Himmatwala unless Ness accepts his ill doing in the court.

Arvind Kejriwal inks Mother-of-all Political Alliance with jailed Politicians in Tihar Jail

Arvind Kejriwal who was sent to jail in a defamation case has successfully turned the tide back in favour of AAP.  Arvind utilized this opportunity to socialize with inmates in the jail who also happen to be strong politician, and thus created a Mega political alliance.

 

“When I was in jail I met several Aam-admi from grass root level parties like SP, BSP, DMK, RJD and MNS. They told me that even they have been troubled by Ambani agent Narendra Modi and they would like to come together to free this nation from the hands of Corny capitalism and leaders who promote it. Thus we formed this alliance. ” Said Krantikari Dharm Purush and AAP CEO, Arvind Kejriwal.

 

    His short stay has even eased AAP's financial woes as he met several businessmen including Sahara CEO Subrata Roy. With them he socialized well and thus got assurance of huge funding in the coming state elections. Arvind claims that they too were in jail because of a conspiracy like that in his case.

  

“ Now we have more alliances than what UPA has currently and if we continue to land up in Tihar jail once a month, we even might cross NDA's numbers”, Said AAP’s Mayavi Purush Yogendra Yadav “However it would all depend on how many more politicians file defamation suits against us so that we enter Tihar Jail as Krantikari Kaidis.”

Sources suggest that AAP is on its way of forming a twelve party alliance keeping an eye on upcoming state elections in states of Maharashtra and Delhi. There has been no formal name given to the alliance yet, but would probably be called as the Tihar Saja Sangh (TSS) or Tihar Mein Party(TMP). It was initialy kept as Tihar Made Congress ( TMC), however election commission objected to the name as it might create confusion with Mamta Banerjee’s TMC.

“ When Arvind sir entered Tihar Jail, this place became the temple of revolution. However after the new alliance creation, this place for me has now become the temple of democracy.” Said an AAP enthusiast just after bowing down at the entrance of the Tihar jail.

Arvind Kejriwal requests Telangana protestors to include him in protests, as he feels left out

Be it spreading pepper or going topless the last few sessions of parliament and state assemblies saw protestors resorting to some very creative methods of staging protest. Amidst these protests many politicians showed placards with some message, some of these messages News channels could capture and some they could not.

While some of these placards were related to the protests others were shown just to a select audience present in the house. Most of these placards were shown when the debate on Telangana formation was on. Some of these placards were shown by politicians who are not even a member of parliament but they could successfully breach security and enter parliament as the guards on duty were busy sorting fights between MPs.

Our highly placed sources within parliament were able to notice these unnoticed placards. Some of the politicians even showed more than one placard. Below they are:

Arvind Kejriwal:

1. Actually Arvind wanted to give dharna as protests against Telangana formation started without even notifying AAP. However he decided to go easy on them.

 

2. Kejriwal not able to find suitable candidate for giving MP ticket from his 1 crore member list

Kapil Sibal::

Incase Arvind kejriwal files a case against Telangana formation; this would be Kapil’s defense.

Manmohan Singh:

 

1. He showed this ‘SRK-MNIK’ placard to release his ten year of frustration.

                                                                                         

  Manmohan Singh teasing his colleagues.

                                                                                                               

  Mulayam Singh:

 

                                                                           1.Mulayam with his years of experience in rowdy parliamentary behavior gave his two-cents of advice to Telangana protestors.

2.Mulayam all set for watching Matinee show of Gunday after walk-out/bunking parliament

L.K.Advani

Advaniji showed this placard very silently to BJP. Rumors are that Advaniji might put a scanned copy of it on his blog.

Nitin Gadkari

The former BJP President came to parliament for protesting against price rise in some government canteen in Nagpur. He actually wanted to reach the speaker’s seat to show the placard but got stuck between two rows of chairs.









Sushil Kumar Shinde:                            

He showed this placard just after the Telangana bill was passed. By this placard Shinde facilitated direct cash transfer to people of Telangana

Nitish Kumar: 

Nitish gave his expert advice from his post NDA experience through this                   placard.

 Mayawati::

1. Behenji tried to cool off the heated environment by inviting the house to her low-key birthday party.

2. Mayawati made a post-poll promise with this placard

Meira Kumar:

Not sure if Rajgopal threw pepper or chili powder, but it was definitely not deodorant

Sonia Gandhi: 

An angry Sonia Gandhi Asking a question to congressmen

Rahul Gandhi:

1. Rahul Baba making an innocent request

2.If only Rahul Baba knew where Telangana was he would have definitely helped the people there with RTI .