Impressed by system Loopholes, Italian Marines back in India to Join Politics

The two Italian marines accused of killing two fishermen off Kerala arrived in New Delhi with a new promise for the nation. The duo liked the country so much that they are not only willing to take Indian Citizenship, but are also planning to join mainstream politics. The news has already caused turbulence in the political arena and has left political parties confused as to if they should welcome their move or out rightly oppose it.

“This trial has been marked by many controversies, U-turns, walk-ins and walkouts. This shows that the political DNA of these marines is very similar to ours. Also we have been supporting UPA whose chairperson is of Italian origin which also shows our Italian connects. So I would like to invite these marines to join samajwadi party.” Said the former chief Minister of UP Mulayam Singh Yadav. When asked about the murder charges levied on them, he said that if the marines are proven guilty in court then we would ask them to step down like we asked Raja bhaiya.

While all this was happening, our international fame reporter, ‘Chitrakar patrakar (CP)’ got the opportunity to interview these two gentlemen and tried to know what their political agenda is.

CP: Why MBA Politics?

<Both look at each other and laugh>

Marines: Money, fame and power. What kind of stupid question was that?

CP: Ehh, alright. So which political party are you planning to join?

Marines: Well, we plan to launch our party.

CP: Your own party!! But you don’t have any political background…

Marines: Big deal! We just need to find a minority community, make them feel insecure and then be their messiah and India has no dearth of minority communities. Besides, it’s more of a personal choice, we feel it is more fun in being the King maker than the king. We Italians have a history of playing the king makers role.

CP: But India has no dearth of such political parties too, how will you survive.

Marines: We have been practicing U-turns, walk-ins, walk-outs, have gone to jail, courts, faced media what else do you need to master the game.

CP: What about the perils of CBI?

Marines: Well, we can pay service charges like we paid for VVIP choppers.

CP: Cool sir, have you thought of party symbol.

Marines: Yep, a Bofors Gun.

CP shakes hands with them, says a small prayer for India and leaves the room. 

Who stole Santa and Banta from us

Sonia Gandhi gifts Google Glasses to Karunanidhi to win back support

The stand-off between the DMK and UPA may end amicably in the wake of UPA chairperson, Smt Sonia Gandhi, gifting the DMK patriarch, Thiru Mu Karunanidhi, a special set of Google Glasses. This special state gift has been given to him as a bait symbol of friendship and trust. Karunanidhi who is the chairperson of the DMK party which has always been considered as costliest closest ally of the Congress party until recently, when it withdrew support from the coalition government. The glasses have been specially customized to suit the Kalaignar’s chromatic needs, in addition to the usual array of features.

Karunanidhi’s eyes welled up with tears as he unboxed the Google glasses. “I am touched by Soniaji’s gesture,” he gasped. “These glasses will give the required vision to serve my party and my state and open a new chapter of friendship between the Congress and DMK,” he waxed eloquent.

•  His total years in politics

• Highest position held

• Total Bank balance

• His relationship with CBI

•   Any onsite Jail Experience

•  Horse trading Aptitude

•  Scaming Abilities

Reports have also come in that these glasses have some special features which have been designed only for Karunanidhi. A spokesperson from Google explains “Besides having all those redundant features by which we entice our customer, this piece has a special ‘Minister scanning feature’. This feature has been designed for sir Karunanidhi keeping in mind the upcoming 2014 elections. So while wearing these glasses if you look at some minister and say ‘Scan Minister’, these glasses would populate the screen with key information of that minister. To name a few

It would also give an overall score of that minister thus would help in understanding if he can be purchased partnered for forth coming elections. I would say these glasses are a must have for all the cabinet ministers, especially those belonging to regional parties. “

There is an atmosphere of jubilation in the congress party after Karunanidhi accepted the gift and gave all kind of positive hints of a return to the coalition. “We did it without a single phone call to the CBI. This shows that our alliances have full faith in Soniaji’s leadership. “, said an elated Kamal Nath.

However their happiness vanished when DMK announced a new set of demands, one of which is to recite the following tongue-twister repeatedly for five minutes: Kanimozhi knows Azhagiri and Alamozhi knows Kanigiri

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The article was published by the Unrealtimes
Link : DMK

Microsoft files law-suit against Australian Cricket Board for using pirated MS Office PowerPoint

Australian cricket has been hit by a double whammy of calamities this week. As though the prospect of an imminent 4-0 whitewash at the hands of India isn’t bad enough, the cricket team has been slapped with a $10 million law suit by Microsoft Corporation for using pirated version of MS Office for making PowerPoint presentations in the run-up to the Mohali Test. The law suit charges the board for infringement of intellectual property rights and can attract a two year imprisonment sentence if the amount is not paid. Indeed, as Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 5,

 “When sorrows come, they come not in single spies

But in Battalions.”

Confirming the news, Australian skipper, Michael Clarke, said, “I was giving a presentation to Sir Jadeja Arthur on his laptop after we lost the third Test when a mail popped in from Microsoft Corp, informing Mickey that the MS Office installed on our laptops was pirated and we would have to cough up 10 million Australian dollars by way of compensation.”

The Aussie cricketers have blamed their Indian counterparts for leading them astray, charging that it was Dhoni who guided them to a torrent link when Coach Arthur asked them to make those infamous PowerPoint presentations.

“I asked Dhoni if he could help me download the MS Office 2010 trial version from the net,” disclosed Australia’s answer to Sir Jadeja, Steven Smith. “Instead he guided me to torrentz.com and downloaded the full version of MS-Office. He promised that everyone in his team does the same thing and it’s not a crime in India. This is racist because when Indians do it it’s fair and when Australians do it, we get sued.”

When The Unreal Times asked for clarification, a spokesperson for Microsoft said, “Well, it’s perfectly fine if Indians download our software using torrents coz some day they might be developing and maintaining them for us. In fact we recently received CVs of two former Indian openers for an opening in our company.”

The Australian Cricket Board (ACB) now faces bankruptcy if Microsoft wins the law-suit. However, it’s not all gloom and doom for the cash strapped cricket body. Leveraging the recently acquired slide making skills of his wards, Coach Mickey Arthur has agreed to float a tier I management consulting arm, Mickey & Co, which could potentially make ACB the world’s richest cricket board, dwarfing even the BCCI.

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The Article was published by the Unreal times, Below is the link:

 Australian Board Sued

UPSC exams to have a separate paper on ‘scam handling abilities’.

What some are hailing as a step towards the future, the Union public service commission today announced that all takers of UPSC exams needs to write a separate paper on “Scam Handling abilities”. The idea which was incepted by the congress Stalwart A. Raja, is now being hailed as another marvel by the man after his brilliant idea of generating funds (for welfare) through 2G spectrum.

After the declaration most of the reporters rushed to Kapil Sibbal’s residence to take his opinion, if a similar decision can be taken for IIT/IIM entrances. He said “Scams and Frauds are the pillars of the society and this step would further strengthen it. With increase in corporates frauds and creative taxation, we are also planning to introduce a similar paper for MBA entrance which would be in addition the main aptitude test.” It was only after several hours that these reporters realized that Kapil Sibbal was no more the HRD minister and none of them knew who was currently taking care of the portfolio.

After getting a phone call from Sonia Gandhi, Cabinet minister for HRD Pallam Raju, came into action and posted on his facebook wall, “I condemn the steps taken by UPSC and would not implement the same for other higher education exams as this step legitimizes Scams.” These acerbic words were not liked by Kapil Sibbal as he got the ministers comment and the profile deleted. The HRD minister was undeterred by this action and posted the same comment on Google Plus; however no one had noticed the comments till the last reports came.

The commission has already released the first set of sample paper of the exam and for general good they have only been given only to IAS prep coaching institute. Our highly placed sources were able to fetch one copy of the paper. The paper is divided in two sections, one for scam aptitude and other for scam reasoning but some elitist candidates would have to answer one extra question. Below is the sample paper.

Section A: Scamitative Aptitude

Please answer Question 1 to 3 as per the information given below

 Loop, Swan and Unitech are best friend who go on to recharge their mobiles. They go to a Shop by name TRAI, where the owner has an assistant by name A.Raja. Loop hands him an amount which is 1 more than what Unitech gives and 7 more than what Swan gives. The total amount paid by the three together is 64. However during recharging Raja asks for a ‘under table service charge’ from Loop which is a 2 digit number XY, where X is twice as Y. Swan pays YX, while Unitech pays three times (X+Y). The difference between the amount paid by Swan and Loop is ‘18’ which is same as what Unitech paid.

Answer the questions on the information given above.

Q1. Who paid the least under-table service charges?

a)      Loop

b)      Swan

c)       Unitech

d)      Robert Vadra

e)      None of the above

Q2. Who paid the most under-table service charges?

a)      Loop

b)      Swan

c)       Unitech

d)      Anil Ambani

e)      Common Man

Q3. After A.Raja leaves, the owner of the shop arrives. He finds that Loop, Swan and Unitech did a total recharge of Rs. 1760 but paid much less. Who did the biggest scam?

a)      Loop

b)      Swan

c)       Unitech

d)      A. Raja

e)      UPA

Section B: Scamical Reasoning

Q4. What are $ and % in the last figure? [Hint: Read all the options carefully]

M	W
C	L

MO	WE
C	L

MO	WE
CO	LT

MON	WEA
CO($)	LT(%)

    a)      $ = Rs ; % = 2G

    b)      $ = M;  % = H

    c)      $ = Theek ; % = Hai

    d)      $ = Suresh ; % = Kalmadi

    e)      b, c and d

Besides the above questions Candidates belonging to General Category have to answer the below question

Q5. Express your opinion in exactly 420 words on the topic “What we consider as bribe is nothing but service charges.”   

When Someone Knocked Amir’s door on his Birthday

Bollywood star Amir Khan today turned forty eight. He celebrated his Birthday at his Bandra residence. The occasion was graced only by his close friends which also included reporters of various gossip magazines. One of our secret gossip reporter, whose real identity is not even known to us was also present at the party. Below are some of the pictures he captured of the occasion.

When Someone Knocked Mayawati’s door

It was a Sunday evening and Ex UP Chief Minister Mayawatiji was chilling at her Lucknow Bunglow. She was watching a debate show on news channel NDTV India, where the topic of the debate was ‘Has Akhilesh Yadav failed as UP CM’. She was sipping on to her evening tea, when someone knocked the door. Below is the conversation that happened just before she opened the gate.

    

    

Chetan Bhagat introduces framework for Masala Entertainment, Files Patent.

                                                           

In line with McKinsey’s 7S Management framework, writer and motivational speaker Chetan Bhagat has come up with his own 7S framework, for Entertainment. The framework was presented at a press conference held at the book release of his latest book, “What Young India wants”. The framework is presented as a foreword in this book and forms the basis of the book’s second part titled “What Young India definitely wants”. It is believed that the framework is loosely based on a similar research done ten years back by some paid gossip magazine writer, which concluded that ‘In Bollywood, only Sex and Shahrukh (lol) sells’, however CB has taken the research to a different level.

The IIT/IIM alumnus is the author of six bestselling books and is considered to be the voice of the youth. He is accredited for introducing subtle sex scenes(love making) in mainstream novels which opened up a whole new market segment for the publishing industry.

“All seven aspects in the framework are very important, however like Shared-value in McKinseys framework, Sex is the one which binds them all. See, it’s not about how erotic can you make a sex scene, but the placement and timing is very important. A story which keeps you guessing for the sex scene, (i.e. if it would happen or not, when would it be, between who and what situation would lead to it) controls the minds of the audience. An appropriate placement of such a scene makes a novel or a movie even more gripping than a revenge plot.” Replied CB on a question asked by a reporter of the gossip magazine, Times of India.

“After sex the most important aspect is ‘Sensationalize’. You need to do marketing, and controversies are the best way of doing that. However you need to do it in a manner that you don’t burn it to the crisp. Better have a planned fight with someone in a manner so that it’s a win-win situation. And I concede that I failed to do that in ‘Kai Po Che’” confessed the writer of the bestselling novel ‘five point someone’.                                                                                                                         

To another question asked by a reporter on stupidity being a parameter, he replied “How stupid of you         to ask this question. Bollywood has taught us that stupidity works. Brothers separating in Kumbh mela, Losing Memory - Gaining memory, throwing grenades like Frisbee and off late delivering babies by vacuum cleaner are all stupidities of the highest order. And they rocked.”

On being asked about spoof/satire being so important, he said “Actually I wanted to write the word HUMOR, but did not a get a synonym with the letter S, so settled down with Spoof. You see, I am an MBA, I am used to answering questions in framework, jargons and models. How bad would it look if I had named it as 6S-1H framework. “

The occasion was also graced by the Bollywood actress Anushka Sharma who read some of the paragraphs of the research paper along with Chetan for the crowd gathered. However when asked for the full research work and the final model, Chetan guided us to a landmark book store, and asked us to pre-order his next book.

Bollywood already likes the idea of following a framework and making a movie, however a section of the industry claims that the framework does not capture the full picture. “ I made a fortune out of movies which had just one theme, ‘Rich poor divide’ and this framework does not capture it.” Said Revered dancer and movie star Mithun Chakrobarty.

 “Eight out of ten movies released out of our production house follow the same framework. Actually this is a framework which we discovered long back which has just been rephrased. This can’t be patented.” said seasoned director Mahesh Bhatt while scratching his back.

 It is also noted that Director of 3 idiots, Rajkumar Hirani and Amir Khan are also working on a similar framework. “Amir and I have already started working on a new model which is merely 5% inspired by Chetan’s framework. This would be presented in the next season of Satya Mev jayate which is soon to be aired.” said director Rajkumar Hirani while he was making minor edits to Chetan’s framework.

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The article was published by the unrealtimes (edited).
Link : Chetan Bhagat

SRK Dismayed as Gauri Khan replaces SRK with KRK in Chennai Xpress

The king of Bollywood has been checkmated again by the bad-boys. In an event which is considered to be the biggest tragedy in King Khan’s life after the movie Devdas, the star has been ousted from his own production house movie ‘Chennai Xpress’. Gauri Khan who is the owner of the production house “Red Chilies Entertainment” announced this today in a press conference. She was along with the new star-cast of the movie which included the charismatic actor Kamaal Rashid Khan (KRK) and the lucky charm of the entertainment industry, Deepika Padukone.

“Jitni nafrat humare liye SRK ke Dil mein hai, uss se zyada pyar Deepika k liye humare mann mein hai” was the only proper response given by KRK to several questions asked by the member of the press. The statement was so obviously controversial that gossip reporters were badly disappointed as they ended up printing the same statement as it is in the next day’s newspaper.

Deepika Paukone, who is under tremendous pressure to spill her fortunes on Rahul Gandhi by dating him, also graced the occasion. She said “Like all my other movies this character is again very different and tough. I am playing a bubbly girl who likes to party and have fun. For adapting myself according to the role I watched my previous movies several times and thus got myself into the character.”

Below are some excerpts of the exclusive interview given by Gauri Khan, to our exclusive reporter ‘Chitrakar- Patrakar’ (CP) on the exclusive occasion,

“Mam what made you select KRK over the King of Bollywood?”

She bursts out into laughter and continues to laugh for one full minute. She controls herself and speaks.

“King! Stop kidding me dude…. Alright, the difference between SRK and KRK is that SRK gets into controversies while KRK creates controversies. The times have changed now. Now you don’t need to be good Actor for acting, Singer for singing, all you need to be is a controversial celebrity and then you can do anything you want. More controversial you are the bigger celebrity you become. KRK is bang on for the job. More so it’s just an alphabet getting replaced, who would notice.”

CP after getting boggled by her response continued in a confused tone.

“About the movie mam, we have heard that you have reduced the budget of movie by 20 crores. Would it not reduce the in-demand jaw dropping, illogical action sequence which you must have planned.”

“Actually we have reduced the Marketing budget from 25 cr to 5 cr. Rest remains the same. With KRK taking the lead, we don’t require marketing at all. Dude we are not making Ra.One.”

“So mam, talking of Ra.One, some people are saying that by doing this you taken revenge on behalf of the audience of Ra.One. Is it true?”

“YES, Coz that includes me too.”

“Last question mam. Ok, after the sad demise of Sir Yash Chopra as such Sharukh has gone hapless and now that you have thrown him out of his own home production movie, how would he cope up with it?

“It is high time that Sharukh should hang up his boots. He should understand the situation and mold himself accordingly. Like I said no one needs an actor anymore, so he should only do what he does best.”

“IPL?”

 “ No, Dance in Baraats.”

After getting these responses our reporter went to a nearby Bar, opened a bottle of Royal Challenge and grieved for every man who could not make it large.

Budget 2013: Now On-lookers of Road Rage fights to be charged and taxed for Entertainment

  

Be ready to shell out those extra bucks for watching that daily nautanki while going to office. In a desperate attempt to reduce the Fiscal deficit of India, Finance Minister P.Chidambram took the un-popular decision of charging on lookers of a road rage fights. These fights which are now ubiquitous in every major city would also come under the purview of Entertainment tax levied at 25% on top of the total amount. The Finance minister said that this would help us generate around 4000 crore in form of direct revenue and 1000 crore in form of taxes that would be levied on it. However, this project would require an initial investment of 500cr for installing CCTV camera for tracking places which are susceptible to such fights.

“We have taken this decision on the recommendation made by FICCI and ASSOCHAM. As per them, road rage has been the driving force behind many industries not even related to automobiles. Those embroiled in the fight damage each other’s vehicle, break heads, tear clothes etc. This leads to revenue generation for healthcare, auto-ancillary, garments and many related industries who then pay taxes and thus run the nation. However the on-lookers who get ‘phokat ka tamasha’ don’t pay any charges or taxes and which is not right. So we have kept a nominal charge of 10Rs/minute. The law would be applicable from immediate effect in all Congress ruled states.“ On another question asked on the so called nominal charges to be too high, he replied vehemently, “The middle class can buy 2000 Rs ticket for watching fixed IPL matches but can’t pay 10Rs for watching a Reality fight.”

Our sources went to the general public to get their reaction on the decision taken. One of the respondents said, “Watching an early morning Road rage fight was a big motivating factor for me to go to work early morning. When I would reach Manyatha flyover, I would park my bike, light a cigarette and wait for a fight to happen. That anger, that fury, those flying punches the atmosphere would be electrifying. My lone moment of excitement has also been snatched away. ”, said an emotional IT employee of Bangalore as he wiped his tears.

Another respondent named Krodheshwar Goswami who is a revered road rage fighter had this to say, “I just can’t believe this. After a spending frustrating day at office these road rage fights with autowallah would lift my mood up. It’s amazing how some twenty odd people would surround you trying to control you, the constable would ask you to cool down, some would even fear you, and at times you also get media coverage. I would be pampered as if I am someone from the Royal (Gandhi) family of India. Besides, I must have made some fifty odd friends during such fights with people who tried to stop me. In fact most of the time I would hit an auto rickshaw on purpose to pick up a fight with him. It’s all gone yaar, it’s all gone.”

Our reporter ‘Chitrakar Patrakar(CP)’ also got a first-hand experience of one such fight after the law got implemented. There was a Sardarji and an autowallah fighting over some petty issue. Slowly a crowd of on-lookers had gathered while CP went ahead and sorted the fight with the help of some police man. At the end of it the policeman handed him a receipt.

CP: Ohh! Road Rage charges, Here you go. (Hands the policeman 300 bucks)

Police: What is this? Read it carefully.

CP: Threeeeee….Three thousand rupees. But for thirty minutes it comes out to be Rs300.

Police: Sir those rates are applicable for Happy Hours. During peak hours it is 20 Rs per hour.

CP: So that makes it 30X20= 600 Bucks.

Police: For metropolitan city the charges are double.

CP: Alright so that makes it 40X30 = 1200. What about the rest?

Police: Sir Entertainment tax for this city is 25%.

CP: That makes it 1500Rs, that’s half the money.

Police: A surcharge of 33% for watching the fight in prime location.

CP: WOW! OK, so that makes it Rs 2000. What about the rest.

Police: I came and sorted the fight, so a Police service charge of 20% would also be calculated on it.

CP: OMG! So that makes it 2400. What about the six hundred?

Police : 4% VAT

CP: God knows what value you added. Alright that makes it 2500, what about 500Rs?

Police: So you want me to return you your 500 bucks, alright. Give me your driving license and I would lodge a police complaint. You will have to come to court for next five Mondays in continuation, post that you can collect your driving license from the court. I hope you don’t have a problem with that? (He chuckled)

CP: Just keep the five hundred.

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The post also got published in theunrealtimes.com . Here is the link
Road Rage