Budget 2013: Funded by Black Money, Government to deploy Slot Machines at Public Places

In a bid to revive the economy and the dwindling popularity of the congress party, the Finance Minister in his budget speech played his trump card. He announced a scheme of deploying slot machines (casino gambling machine) at various public places so that the people of the nation can revel (despite a loser budget). He announced that in the course of next one year, the government would deploy at least 5000 slot machines at strategic points, which includes places like Govt offices, Railway station, Sulaabh shauchalay and even the Prime minister’s office. He told that the money required in building such a big infrastructure would come from black money of various politicians which is deposited in the Swiss bank. The Finance minister also announced that within the next 24 hours, first such machines would be deployed in the Lok-sabha Corridor, Specially ‘For those MPs who love to bunk long boring budget speeches’.

Below is an excerpt of the press conference post the budget speech.

PC(P. Chiadambram): This is just the beginning. If congress comes into power again, we would start a five year plan for opening big and small gambling points in every corner of the nation. Going ahead we would open at least 50 world-class casinos in the metropolitan cities.

Reporter: What are the benefits of this project?

PC: There are many benefits of this project. It has some health benefits and it would generate employment. But most importantly it would provide inclusive growth which is what the doctor has asked for. We cannot ignore our scammer and fraudster brothers who are growing much faster than our economy. This would help them to do scams without any guilt or shame. This would bring back the lost tax payers money to them and thus would mobilize the economy. And well you never know, with this move we might even cross the growth rate of scams and crimes occurring in our nation.

Reporter: You said, you would only use black money for building the infra. So are you going to seize the Swiss bank accounts of some of our leaders for it?

PC: Are you out of your mind? This is an investment from them. The people of this nation now have the responsibility of giving good returns to our investors.

Reporter: How much is project going to cost us?

PC: Around 500 crores. Don’t worry, even if there is a scam during the project, we would be reutilizing the money in expanding the infrastructure further.

Reporter: Do you have a name in mind for it?

PC: This scheme would be known as ‘Indra Gandhi Gambler Vikas Yojna’.

Our creative reporter ‘Chitrakar Patrakar(CP)’ who was covering the event got a chance to gamble on one such machine. The machine was one of its kinds. Instead of fruit symbols the machines had faces of the tainted UPA ministers rolling round and round. Just below the display screen, there was metallic foundation of our national emblem on which engraved was long list of various tainted UPA ministers with their scam amount along with. The names were engraved as if it was the list of Martyrs who had lost their lives fighting for the nation. Just Below all these names was written “Indra Gandhi Gambler Vikas Yojna” in bold.

Display:                              Please Enter your name age and sex.

CP enters it.

Display:                  If you belong to any of Reserved Caste/Tribe/OBC

Then enter Rs 10 else Rs 100

CP was unfortunate like majority of India. He entered a 100 Rs note and moved the lever down. Faces of very UPA minister started rolling in front of his eyes and finally the counter stopped, with images of Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Salman Khurshid in front of him.

Display:                  “You have got an NGO grant. Please Collect the money”

Seven 10 paise and one 1 paise coin fell down in the bin. CP was not satisfied with it. He continued to play for the next two hours. After watching the beautiful faces of almost all the UPA ministers and wasting almost ten thousand rupees, the moment arrived. All the light bulbs began to flash, the machine started to shake. Three faces of our ex- telecom minister A.Raja displayed and the machine started playing our national song.

Display:           

                                                    

                                                              Jackpot!    Jackpot!

Jackpot!    Jackpot!

Jackpot!    Jackpot!

You just won a 2G Spectrum

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Finance Minister to Kick-off Budget speech with a Punjabi Rap by ‘Yo! Yo! Honey Singh’

Chiddu Feats Yo! Yo! Honey Singh

What some have termed as coming off age while others see it as increasing influence of western and European culture on our Govt, the Finance minister is all set to shake up the parliament before his budget speech. He has worked out a rap with the Punjabi rap singer Yo! Yo! Honey Singh (Yea, that’s his actual name) and would sing it before the parliament as a budget Mash up.

“I am just following my Gym workout routine. This is the best way to warm up your heart before it does terrible work out.” Said Mr. Chidambram (known as Chiddu in the Music industry). On another question asked by some NDTV reporter on time wastage of the parliament, the finance minister responded with fury, “The middleclass is ready to waste full 3 hours on Dabangg and Ek tha Tiger but can’t listen to my one minute rap.”

As always you heard this news first on Daily Nautanki and all thanks to our very creative reporter ‘Chitrakar Patrakar(CP)’. He told that us that a friend of his is a clerk at the Finance ministry. One Morning he went to the office toilet, and as expected the tap was running dry and there were no toilet paper. After some protest and desperate cries by him, the peon handed him a bunch of printed papers to be used as toilet paper. It was there that he realized that the peon had just handed him a print of the 2013 budget. He scanned some of the pages of the speech using his cellphone and mailed it to CP before using them.

A highly placed source also told us that we can expect some makeover by PC for THE DAY. The Finance minister has been spotted practicing the rap and was waving his hand plus shaking other body parts like western Hip-Hop band, 50 cents. Even when gold is touching the sky, the FM went ahead and bought gold chains weighing more than 100 grams, just for the day. But no-one still knows how the get up is going to be like.

The move has been appreciated by most of the political parties, However Amitabh Thakur, the man who charged Honey singh for using filthy lyrics had this to say, “This finally proves my point. He is a balatkari, this time quite literally.”

From Banana Republic to Flying Cattle class....