IPL to give ‘Katju of the series’ award to the most lenient umpire of the tournament

IPL authorities today announced a new award, namely “Katju of the series” which would be given to the most merciful umpire at the end of the tournament. The award is named after the legendry judge of Supreme court justice Katju, who wrote the famous letter to the five Pandav brothers of Mahabharat to pardon Duryodhana and Dushasana for what they did to Pandavas. The move has been lauded by fast bowlers and slow running batsman who might now get more benefit of doubt from the umpire.

“The new award would give incentive to the umpires to go out of way and be more merciful. This would also make the game much more exciting and unpredictable. Also since 90% Indians are fools and 10% are intelligent, we should have a sport which should suit the majority.” Said IPL boss Rajeev Shukla. However a highly placed source within BCCI told that the award is announced to cover up for poor decision making in IPL matches by the umpires. When asked about it, IPL officials refused to comment.

The move has been welcomed by a section of players who are desperate for more leniencies in umpiring and is led by RCB pace bowler R.P.Singh. Member of Parliament from Amritsar Navjot Singh Sidhu said, “My dear friend, the one good thing about luck is that it will change one day. And this move would help move the luck in the hands of the one who holds mercy in his heart.” When asked to describe the logic behind the statement, Sidhu started speaking Punjabi and post that began to laugh for next five minutes.

Management students from IIM Wasseypur who are doing internship under Australian coach Mike Arthur tried to find out the high level implication of the award. After doing a rigorous data analysis using all sort of statistical tools and applying various Management frameworks they concluded in a 200 slider presentation that the award would benefit both batsman and bowler equally.

 “Men are foolish to give power to other men to be merciful. For it is He, the one above who can only provide guidance and mercy to mankind.” Said a priest of a temple dedicated to the mythological God of cricket named Lord Ravindra Jadeja. 

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Edited version of the article was also Published by the Unrealtimes

As Nitish Kumar gives indications of joining UPA, CBI conducts Mock raid at his house

In line with fire drills conducted at corporate offices, CBI conducted a mock raid at the residence of Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar after he gave clear indications of joining the UPA coalition. UPA took this step to get Nitish at par with great leaders of UPA like Mulayam, Mayawati and Karunanidhi who are veterans in handling CBI raids.

“This is a routine training exercise done every time a new party joins the UPA coalition. This saves them from getting a stroke shock when the raids actually happens and also makes the whole process very smooth whenever it happens. It even helps us to train new hires and utilize employees sitting on bench before they go live and conduct an actual raid”, Said a senior officer of the CBI, who once worked in the HR department of an Indian IT firm.

The CBI officer also told Nitish that senior Congress members are already working on upgrading the coalition Management system software which is used for syncing up CBI and UPA coalition parties, for ensuring consistent support. The upgrade to the software requires a mere 50 line code change for which a 5000 crore rupee tender has been released.

Just before sitting into his white ambassador and leaving the premises of the CM, the CBI officer handed Nitish a Checklist with 10 Commandments points in it. Our highly placed sources within the JD(U) were able to secretly capture a photograph of the same for our readers. Below are the key points that were mentioned in it:

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Answer to the below statement only in Yes, else we would revisit your house                                                                                                                                                              

• Madam is the lord of the Coalition.                                                  
• Thou shalt have no other Lord.
• Thou shalt Never say NO to the Lord
• I’ll always remember the Gujrat Riot day.
• Thou shalt never ever mention 1984 Sikh pogrom
• Thou shalt not demand very very special status for Bihar
• Thou shalt not Question Chotu.
• Thou shalt honour the family.
• Thou shalt not call Madam by name.
• Thou shalt follow the herd.

When Nitish asked the officer, who are ‘Madam’, ‘Chotu’ and ‘family’ mentioned in the checklist, the officer burst out laughing and drove away. 

The article was published by Unrealtimes with few tweaks

Nitish Kumar: CBI

Disgusted by ‘Jumping jhapang’, Man starts following an unknown sport named Hockey

After being an ardent follower of cricket for more than ten years, IT Analyst Lalit Modi decided to move on and follow an unknown sport named Hockey. This happened due to the widespread scarce spread by the IPL jingle “Jumping Jhapang thampak thampak” airing time and again on most of the TV channels. This made Lalit to land on an unknown channel named Doordarshan where an old recorded match of this sport was being telecasted.

“I turned on the television to watch some old test match highlights. But whichever sports channel I checked, I could only find international cricketers plying gully cricket and this irritating jingle being played. This made me to search for some peaceful channel and I landed on this ancient channel named Doordarshan, where they were showing an International match of hockey.” Said Lalit in a super exclusive interview given to the Nautanki khabar.

There is lot of confusion surrounding this issue as some suggest that the game was last played by the Moghuls in the 16^th century, while others suggest that it was played as late as the early nineteenth century. Sports buff across the nation asked news channels to dig deep into the matter and come out with the truth as this time the nation actually wanted to know.

On several demands by the Supreme Court, Lalit was made to appear in the court rooms of NDTV where in his official statement, he had this to say, “Hockey is our national sport. India has won highest number of gold medals in Olympics in it. It is much faster paced than T-20 cricket, and far more soothing than the IPL. I won’t be missing a single match of it in the next season of Indian Hockey league.” With those words, Lalit Modi was termed as a mad terrorist and has been moved to a special cell of the Tihar jail.

“Calling any other sport beside cricket as our national sport is anti-national. With millions invested in IPL watching any other sport is blasphemy. I would recommend stringent punishment for Lalit Modi.”Said IPL chief Rajeev Shukla.

It’s not just the cricketing arena which has criticized Lalit. Mamata Banerjee called him a Maoist as he did not respect KKR thus disrespecting people of Bengal. Minister of State for youth and affair, Jitendar Singh called him an idiot and asked for his proper medical examination fearing high dosage of drugs as the reason behind making such statements.

“Lalit was watching cricket only under high influence of Cocaine. This gave him a hallucinating effect which made him visualize each player of the field holding a bat. This made him come up with this imaginary sport named hockey. ” Said the official spokesperson of National Anti Doping Agency(NADA).

However, secret agents of RAW went ahead to probe this matter. One of their agents found certain proofs which did corroborate with what Lalit had said. But one night the might and wrath of BCCI found the better of him which destroyed the proofs with him forever.

Sushil kumar Shinde finally becomes ‘Chatur’ Home minister

The proceeding of the parliament came to a standstill when the home minister of India in his speech said that the government has been doing nothing but shitting. The oblivious minister even said that he would be building a separate shit tank to control the situation.  It took the minister quite some time to realize that what he was reading was not the speech he had prepared. But by then it was too late.

“Members of the Lok-sabha, the time has come when every ministry needs to sit and shit. They need to look how much more can they do. The government has been shiting day and night all this while. The Home ministry is also shiting day and night to get things under control. The PM office is shiting for quite some time now. We are planning to set up a high level shit tank. This shit tank would be a part of the home ministry and would directly report to me. Since I myself have been a shiter throughout my life …..” it was then when an unknown minister of the ruling party threw a mike at him which made the minister to stop shitting speaking.

“When he said those words, I thought I heard it all wrong. But when he kept on saying it there was no way left but to run out of the parliament. I am ashamed.” said an emotional Mani Shankar Aiyar after he came running out of the parliament post the speech.

Later in the evening a press conference was called in to give the reason for the blunder. The conference was chaired by the charismatic leader of the congress party shri Digvijay Singhji, he said, “The disaster happened because of a typo. We were making changes to a Portuguese speech  given by Cabinet minister SM Krishna and were replacing the word ‘Portugal’ with ‘India’ in the speech when we accidentally also replaced the word THINK with SHIT.”

The minister took a pause, wiped sweat from his temple, drank some water and continued. “This change happened when the home minister was editing his speech and was dictating his PA.  He was saying, “I think to” when suddenly his phone rang and he unwittingly uttered “Shit!” which caused the change. His P.A. has already been sacked from the job for this blunder. Our initial investigation suggests that it could be the Hindu terror forces behind this treacherous phone call.  We have set up a high level committee to investigate this shit matter.  “

The event has triggered many speculations. One such speculation is that Sushil kumar Shinde could be a secret agent of the RSS and is doing all the blunders on purpose. However a very powerful source within the congress told that this could have happened because Sonia Gandhi’s remote is malfunctioning and needs servicing or even replacement.

Later in the evening the minister was spotted reading the best seller book “Who moved my speech.”